Be Present | Being an Opportunist

Amy Oledzki on November 4, 2024

If only we could be in the moment or be present all the time; better yet, take advantage of opportunities that we are given. I don’t know how many times (most likely quite a few) I’ve missed seizing the moment – I’m sure, at the time, all for good reason. I can remember NOT heeding the moment to exercise, answering a friend’s call, ending my work day on time, taking “just 10 minutes” to meditate, breathe or just relax, or, my favorite, go outside in nature for a walk.

It is completely valid to feel frustrated when we don’t seize the moment. We mentally surrender to a place of allowing ourselves to feel badly about it. Then a cyclical pattern of self-loathing occurs, stifling another chance to engage in some other opportunity. GEEZ! What the heck!

Why do we let this happen? Why can’t we just accept that it is “okay” that we missed an opportunity and move on? I think some days it’s easier than others, but when it is difficult, what can we do?

ACCEPTANCE is one way. When we accept, we can appreciate the moment or take advantage of the mindful opportunities presented to us daily. In doing this, it creates a state of awareness that helps us recognize opportunities as they arise. As an example: being present in a conversation might help us notice a potential collaboration or a new idea, thus having the two sides of the conversation complement each other when balanced effectively.

It’s too bad our politicians can’t seem to do this. What a great way to take advantage of bipartisan work: finding common ground through collaborative communication and compromise, for the people. Sorry to bring politics into this, but we are approaching election day and I know that it is weighing on everyone’s mind.

I still ponder the reason acceptance is difficult. Maybe it is because of the confusable similar pronunciation of the word of except, which actually means to exclude. Nonetheless, acceptance is needed to take advantage of opportunities, such as choosing to express appreciation for the people in your life. Another example is being an opportunist on thankfulness with those you cross paths with as you shop, pray, and interact within your community. Another one is taking advantage of the few sunny, warm days we have left this fall season.

While these few things may seem easy in seizing the day, there are harder ones to consider. The election outcome may be a bit harder, as one side of the aisle is going to have to get to a place of acceptance. There are other ones that are bit more difficult and strenuous, such as losing someone to death. Loss of a loved one is at the top of the most painful and emotionally charged events. Acceptance is key.

Accepting the reality of someone’s death is difficult? All for good reason! DENIAL. It creeps in and grows like a bad weed. Denial is a defense mechanism. We often hear the words, “I just can’t believe he/she died.” Denial is there to protect our mental and emotional self from pain. While protecting ourselves might appear a good thing (after all, no one wants to feel pain), it ends up prolonging the deep pain of our loss.

Applying acceptance from a more fundamental approach may be what is needed. This approach is Radical Acceptance. It can be defined as the ability to accept situations that are out of our control without judgment. Seriously? What is the benefit in doing this? Well, our pain and suffering can be reduced. If we can accept the reality of the situation and not ruminate over the emotional reaction to it, we can begin to look at seizing other opportunities much quicker.

The opportunity of radically accepting the death of a loved one helps us to evolve in life and find joy in the small things again. This is hard, I know, but keep in mind that by not judging the situation does not mean that we are approving of it.

The emotional reaction to my dad’s death was intense and painful, and I didn’t approve of losing him. I just didn’t dwell on the emotion of it for long periods of time. I’ll be the first to admit that with grief came a lot of evaluating of my life and the processing of the pain was emotional and necessary to get to the healing. Also, just because there was deep pain didn’t mean that I didn’t accept. It would be like walking through rain and not expecting to get wet. You have to accept that you are going to get wet and then go through it to get to a place of feeling protected. In those moments of getting wet, I elected to focus on accepting his loss and while I cried – and yes, at times, sobbed – I still took advantage of opportunities that filled my soul with joy.

Sometimes radical acceptance of our loved one’s death is needed. This helps with evolving and living again, reducing our sadness and finding new purpose and meaning. Sounds like a tall order, but it is a part of taking advantage of the opportunity for healing, regardless of how painful it is. If grief continues for an unusually long period of time, there may be other factors that are causing grief to be prolonged. It may be time to seek a grief therapist. Consider us for your journey of grief and loss through our Root of Good Care Counseling practice, a counseling program under the mission of Hope Grows.

I’ll leave you with one last thought: Gratitude and Giving of Self! Without it, our brains struggle when painful grief sets in. Consider volunteer work while you are mourning a loss. It is a direct shot of dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin, the neurons that helps us feel better, “the good feelings.” Our brains were designed, by a natural path, that rewards us with good feelings when we do what it takes to promote the survival of our genes. When we do this, we tend to repeat acts of altruistic giving of self because of the hits of healthy neurons our brains receive.

Happy Thanksgiving, and Carpe Diem!

Written by Lisa Story, MSCP, LPC, CT
Hope Grows Founder & Clinical Director

Finding Your “Why”

Amy Oledzki on October 1, 2024

The arrival of autumn brings a powerful metaphor for change, reflection, and letting go. I feel like this seasonal transition is one of the most talked about and I ponder and wonder the reason, other than nature serves as a mirror for our inner journey, helping us refine ourselves and find the “why” in life.

One of the most “why” provoking life events is any pain and suffering, such as violence, abuse, and loss. Violence is just senseless, abuse is merely unacceptable, and losing someone is heartbreaking. None the less, they all provoke the proverbial “why” question.

While finding our “why” can be challenging in most circumstances, I believe the pain and suffering from violence, abuse, and loss deserve a different emotional response than the written words in this blog. For the sake of this communication, my focus here is caregiving, and the pain and suffering caregivers witness on a daily basis can often make life feel disorienting and overwhelming.

Being there for someone in the most vulnerable time of their life is an ebb and flow, where we are consistently evaluating our space and time to be at the top of our game, so to speak. The transition of seasons can guide us in many ways and by considering the reciprocal relationship between self and nature, we can help with the “why” that surfaces.

If you are a regular reader of these blogs, you will know that I have talked about this type of reciprocity before. Use this blog in a way to find guidance in connecting to the deeper “why” amidst the difficult emotions providing care evokes. Consider the thought-provoking words below and the suggested reflection.

When we witness suffering as part of a natural cycle in nature, there is constant death and rebirth, decay and renewal. While suffering is difficult to witness, understanding it as part of the broader life cycle can help reframe its meaning. Just as storms pass and seasons change, suffering too, while painful, has a place. Witnessing pain does not negate the moments of love, peace, and healing that occurs, it becomes a greater rhythm beyond the immediate hardship.

Reflection: Ask yourself how you can see the suffering you witness as part of a larger cycle. Can you find peace in the knowledge that, like nature, all things are impermanent, and your presence is helping someone through a critical part of their journey?

Even nature endures challenging moments, with its small, subtle growth. Albeit slow, but yet, almost an imperceptible growth. Similarly, caregiving often involves small victories that can easily go unnoticed in the midst of pain—moments of comfort, moments where dignity is preserved, or where human connection transcends suffering. Finding your “why” in caregiving may lie in recognizing these subtle, yet meaningful impacts.

Reflection: At the end of each day, reflect on one small moment where you helped or witnessed something good. It could be as simple as offering a kind word, seeing a patient’s smile, or easing someone’s burden, even if briefly. These moments can help you reconnect to the purpose behind your care.

Nature is always fully present, adapting to each moment as it comes. Caregiving too demands presence, a mindfulness that allows you to be fully engaged in each task, each interaction. When the pain and suffering seem overwhelming, being present in the now—without trying to control or fix everything—can help ease the emotional weight. In this way, the act of caregiving itself can become a meditation, an opportunity to focus on the here and now.

Reflection: Ground yourself when you feel overwhelmed by taking deep breaths, and focus on the moment at hand rather than projecting into the future or dwelling on the past. Let nature remind you that your “why” is found not in grand gestures but in the quiet, moment-to-moment presence you offer.

A gardener doesn’t control the seasons or stop the cycle of life, but creates conditions for growth despite the inevitable changes. As a caregiver, your role is not to prevent suffering but to cultivate moments of relief, comfort, and peace wherever possible.

Reflection: See yourself as a steward of well-being. Even in the face of pain, you are creating space for hope, dignity, and connection. This understanding can be your “why”—that your care, even amidst suffering, brings essential elements of humanity to those who need it most.

There is a reciprocity of care in nature, a give and take if you will. Caregiving is also reciprocal. You offer physical, emotional, and spiritual support and, in turn, caregiving offers you opportunities to grow in empathy, patience, and resilience. The service you provide often unlocks a deeper sense of purpose. Your “why” may emerge in recognizing that the act of caregiving, no matter how painful, is also part of your own personal growth and evolution.

Reflection: Consider how the experience of caregiving is shaping you. How is this deepening your sense of compassion? What lessons are you learning about the fragility and beauty of life, about your own capacity for love and strength?

In nature, nothing exists in isolation—everything is interconnected. Similarly, caregiving can often feel isolating, but it’s important to remember that you are not alone. Leaning into community support (other caregivers, friends, family, spiritual groups, or Hope Grows) can remind you that your “why” is connected to something larger. Even the strongest tree thrives in a forest, not in solitude.

Reflection: Find a way to connect with other caregivers or people who understand your challenges. Sharing your experiences can help you process difficult emotions and find meaning in the shared human experience of caregiving.

In nature, harsh conditions often create resilience and beauty—think of how trees with deep roots survive storms or how flowers bloom after fire. Similarly, the suffering you witness can deepen your sense of compassion, empathy, and patience. Caregiving, when seen through the lens of this reciprocal relationship, becomes not just about providing care, but about allowing that care to transform you as well.

Reflection: Consider how the suffering you witness has softened or expanded your heart. Your “why” may not always be found in what you can do to relieve suffering, but in how your heart responds to it with kindness, understanding, and love.

One final thought worth considering: while caregiving during times of suffering may feel unbearable, considering the above nature suggestions with the reflection, a deeper purpose just might emerge. Everything is interconnected, temporary, and part of a larger whole in nature. Your “why” in caregiving may not be about fixing or stopping the suffering, but about showing up with presence, love, and resilience amidst the pain.

Let your care be a reflection of the cycles of nature, EVER-Giving-Growing-Evolving, even through the darkest of seasons. And remember, if the hike gets rough, Hope Grows is here to support your seasons of change.

Written by Lisa Story, MSCP, LPC, CT
Hope Grows Founder & Clinical Director

Steadiness

Amy Oledzki on September 4, 2024

I woke this morning and the temperatures were cooler and the sky clear and blue, almost an azure blue. There is a lot of historical significance, biological function, cultural and religious significance and symbolism of this color. Biologically, the true color of Azure is rare in living organisms – perhaps a bluebird or blue butterfly?

I was surprised to learn that blue jays are not actually blue and that their blue hue is the result of Rayleigh scattering. Without turning this blog into a science lesson on color, I was fascinated by what I was reading, but then really disappointed to learn about Rayleigh scattering. It not only is a phenomenon that happens with the sky being Azure blue, but is a result of pigment, protein, wavelengths, and refraction.

None the less, the feeling that this Azure blue sky brings remains the same for me, a sense of peace and calm, as well as nostalgia, the one thing that we all seem to strive for in this crazy mixed-up world we live in. I think about the predictability of this phenomenon and the consistent steadiness with which nature provides.

The heat and little rain this summer has also been steady. A lot of water from the spigot has been used this summer, keeping the plants alive. The water bill sure did confirm how much…ouch! The rise of food, gas, and energy has been steady as well. I ask myself, what is going on and how can our nation’s financial security change in such a few short years?

Putting the azure sky and the rise of the cost of living aside, what does steadiness truly mean for caregivers and the Hope Grows Care Model? From a definition standpoint, steadiness is defined in different ways and it depends on the dictionary source you are using as a resource. The Cambridge organization defines steadiness from a behavioral standpoint as “being reasonable and showing good judgment,” so that people trust you. The Merriam-Webster site defined steadiness as “the state of continuing without change.” And one more (as I like to describe things in three for some reason), the Oxford site defined the word as “the quality of being sensible and reliable and the fact of being stable and not changing.”

When I think of caregiving with this month’s focus, I think of the steadiness of the care receiver and how often a caregiver might be watching how quickly the physical stability of their loved one’s gait, balance when they stand, or, in some cases, their ability to be behind the wheel of the car changes. Caregiver concerns about steadiness and when is it appropriate or even permissible to override their loved one’s decisions regarding safety and medical CURE and care.

From the caregivers’ point of view, sensibility and reliability of putting safety first is a decision that needs steadiness. However, concern and fear creep in…knowing that overruling their loved one by taking the keys to the car is going to upset the apple cart, so to speak. From the care receiver’s standpoint, the steadiness of knowing what is reasonable and showing good judgment is not being met with trust. In this case, the steadiness seems to be at odds with the dynamic and sometimes chaotic nature of caregiving.

Caregivers need to remain strong and steadfast because it can serve as a stabilizing force. Remaining steadfast allows caregivers to remain calm in the face of challenges, balanced in their responses to the needs of others, and grounded in their own self-care practices. This steady approach helps to create a nurturing environment, both for the caregiver and the one receiving care. It also fosters a sense of peace and resilience, enabling caregivers to find joy even in difficult moments.

Some things to consider to remain steady: cultivate mindfulness, set clear goals and priorities, establish routines, manage stress effectively, embrace flexibility and adaptability, practice self-compassion, stay connected with your values, build a support system, continue to learn and grow, and take care of your well-being.

Wow! That is a lot. Just know that by embracing some of this, you can prevent burnout and continue to provide compassionate care with a joyful heart. Those tough decisions of taking away the keys is about setting boundaries of safety. Being sensible and steady, in this case, is NOT negotiable. Just like the Rayleigh’s scattering, at first the explanation of it all seems mean, disappointing, and, well, feeling like we are being tricked. I’m sure your loved one feels this way too, but in the end, peace, calm, and eventually joy can be the result.

So, let the phenomenon of the BLUE in nature be a reminder that caring for others doesn’t mean losing sight of one’s own balance and well-being—it means integrating these qualities to sustain both joy and the capacity to care.

Written by Lisa Story, MSCP, LPC, CT
Hope Grows Founder & Clinical Director

Growth

Amy Oledzki on August 6, 2024

August is typically a productive month in the gardens, with many plants reaching their peak growth and yielding a bountiful harvest. Right now, watering, weeding, and deadheading is what August is all about in the any garden, and certainly at the Healing Gardens at the Iris Respite House.

Continuing to keep up with what nature is NOT providing us right now has resulted in round-the-clock watering. It has become a challenge, but a necessary challenge that gardeners must endure when nature doesn’t cooperate with what the growing season needs.

“Is it worth it?” mumbles the gardener’s pure exhaustion. Hints of learning and implementing a rain dance surface with a constant check of the weather app to learn of any new weather patterns that may inspire a reprieve.

Negative thoughts start and another question ensues: “What is nature trying to teach within all of this oppressive heat and dry temps?” The response is resistance and the uttered word is just “Ugh!”

Stop. Don’t bring that energy into the gardens – reframe to a positive outlook and repeat, “I can handle this, and it will rain.” Mindset! Shift the focus of control! Look at what is resilient, beautiful, and still growing. The fresh herbs, the flowers for cutting, and the produce.

I begin to water again, pull some weeds, clean the flower beds, and water again. Despite the struggle, the flowers look great. I focus on the extra attention of the watering and think about night fall providing the needed respite. Positive thoughts continue. When the sun rises the next day, new growth will be noticed. Ahhh, hope!

Faith is restored. The flowers and plants rebound overnight and the cycle continues. I notice the trees though; they are losing leaves as if the autumn season has already begun. No. Focus on the positive: the trees will sustain. Back to watering and the continued support, which is crucial, along with the weeding and deadheading and the pest and disease management.

Sounds relentless, right? Sometimes life struggles are, too. Understanding growth in relation to nature can be a profound way to find acceptance, teaching us to reframe our thinking, and then soon, our thoughts become peaceful and joyful. It is a process that can be applied in all areas of life, not just in cultivating garden wellness. Perhaps that is the lesson. When gardens – with their cycles of growth, decay, and renewal – become challenging, it can offer a natural metaphor for life and death.

The cyclical nature of life is a natural relatable concept, one to embrace as we cultivate our own growth and wellness. Understanding life and death as it relates to nature is a profound way of accepting, adjusting, processing, and embarking on a new identity in the wake of loss. As we evolve from the loss, growth abounds. Like the spent flower from the heat, the attention and support it receives radiates beauty. As I wrapped up this month’s focus of growth, our area of the world received several days of moments of rain. Was it reframing and letting go, or was it just sheer coincidence? No one will ever really know…

Written by Lisa Story, MSCP, LPC, CT
Hope Grows Founder & Clinical Director

Finding Meaning in Life

Amy Oledzki on May 3, 2024

I am an early riser. Most mornings, I awake before the sun and I sit and sip my coffee or tea and listen to the sounds of nature. Right now, the morning is filled with bird song and the exchange of different melodies. I learned that 90% of wildlife, including some of the Audubon population, mate for life; however, the majority of songbirds’ only mate for a season.

With this month’s focus, I ponder the meaning of life. It appears that the wildlife’s search for meaning only includes food, water, shelter, and safety; the daily efforts of survival. At least it looks that way from my window (except when you catch a baby fox that wondered into the trap destined for the destructive groundhog; a game of catch and release).

I digress for a moment and then joyful singing becomes the focus again. I always thought joyful music came from the birds until one day, when I heard different sounds – in particular, a robin. I was surprised at the change in the melody and then noticed a disruption of the nest and the loss of their eggs and young. Researching the possibilities of grief among wildlife, I learned that birds have legitimate cries of sadness.

Human loss and the sounds of sadness are profound as well. Grief, the normal and natural reaction to loss – any loss – is different for everyone. While mourning is the process that one goes through in adapting to the loss, bereavement is the period that defines the loss to which the person is trying to adapt.

Grief is experienced emotionally, cognitively, physically, spiritually, socially, economically, and behaviorally. While these experiences are not inclusive, it can affect every part of us. The deepest of these is spiritual. At least, that has been my experience, along with most of those I have provided support for. The loss of purpose and meaning in life can rock us to the very core of our existence.

At Hope Grows, we talk a lot about loss, and not just loss from death. Loss is painful. The first night of the graduate grief class I teach involves naming and listing everything that represents a loss. As students engage, the loss of a job, a relationship, a car, a passing grade, the ability to walk, and freedom, to name a few, begin to fill the chalkboard. Soon, an exchange regarding the loss from the death of someone is shared. Discussion evolves to the ability to pivot in difficult situations.

Last month, we shared an article about pivoting and if we focus on what matters most and align our actions with our values, a more meaningful and fulfilling life is the result. Does this really apply though, when struggling through loss? And then, what happens when someone loses their way? Finding and having meaning in life is imperative to good overall well-being, so we are told. It is also at the core of spiritual health.

I, for one, believe that society is in a period of mourning, one of chronic pain that sees no end. The news portrays a society that appears to be challenged from a loss of self, purpose, and identity; spirituality seems to be missing. As mental health needs rise, the cries of sadness seem to go unheard. Mental health needs are at record highs. Young teenagers are flocking to the ER hospitals for depression and anxiety, people are afraid for their safety, the older population struggle with moving from the home they loved, family caregivers are stressed with increased demands, and thirty somethings are struggling to find their way in the job market.

The chronic pain goes on and on, but then, just like in nature, the sounds of sadness can change. How do we help society change the sound of its cries? When one’s soul goes off-center, the antidote is compassion and kindness. Human spiritually evokes existential questions about suffering and meaning, and any validation can help nourish a tired and weary soul, providing a sense of comfort and connection.

I have been in chronic pain (loss) most of my life, physically and spiritually. I have a degenerative spine, arthritis and stenosis, Chronic Fatigue, Lyme’s disease, and several other chronic viruses that go in and out of remission. I’m not sure how long I have had these viruses, since most of adult life doctors always pushed the symptoms aside by calling them “acute” and that it was “all in my head.” It wasn’t until I found a wonderful Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine who became the compassionate and kind soul, validating my symptoms and applying the correct testing to locate the problems.

My apologies, I digress again, but my point is that I had empathy, understanding, and encouragement of practical support. I was then able to explore the deepness of the pain and implement self-care practices that worked. Keep in mind, whatever the loss, it requires a holistic approach that addresses the symptoms, the emotions, and the spiritual needs.

One way to support someone in pain, whether it be individual loss or the societal loss that I was referring, is community. We need to come together and spread kindness. Just like the child blowing the seeds of the spent dandelion into the wind, new growth can happen.

Other ways to help someone in chronic pain, whether it is physical, emotional, or spiritual:

  • Empathy and understanding
  • Encouraging self-care practices
  • Providing practical support
  • Encouraging connection and support
  • Promoting spiritual exploration.

Check out our simple suggestions in this week’s “Think Caregiver” email for further tips on this topic.

In summary, helping someone with chronic pain involves addressing their physical symptoms, emotional well-being, and spiritual needs with empathy, compassion, and practical support. By attending to the person’s holistic needs, you can contribute to their healing journey and support their overall well-being, including – and most importantly – the health of their soul. Keep in mind, a dose of nature can be helpful too!

Written by Lisa Story, MSCP, LPC, CT
Hope Grows Founder & Clinical Director

The Ability to Pivot

Amy Oledzki on April 3, 2024

The ability to pivot in tough situations is a hallmark of resilience and is worth focusing on this month as winter changes to spring. Blossoms are plenty this time of year as the trees, bushes, spring bulbs, and perennials begin to erupt with beauty. However, as the weather doesn’t know how to make up its mind from cold to warm, and then cold again, the ability to pivot becomes the nature of the game (no pun intended).

For me, pivoting from winter to spring is always difficult. While I love the new blossoms, I thrive in the winter with “internal regrouping,” as I call it. The snow and cold of winter contribute to my deep, inward thinking and reflection. However, with the past couple of winters not being very cold and snowy, I feel like I have not had the break my soul needs.

None the less, as I reflect about this topic of pivoting, my birth order comes to mind. Being the youngest of six children, I believe I had an inner strength that was different than those around me. Was it my place in birth order, being one of 46 first cousins or having nieces that were closer in age to me than their parents, who were my siblings? Or did it have something to do with the fact that I was being raised by the village, not just my parents? Not sure of the reason, but my ability to pivot I believe is deeply connected to my inner spirit. The ability to draw upon my inner strength creates a resiliency that helps to adjust my mindset to manage effectively and put in place coping skills. 

Throughout evolution, organisms have developed various adaptation mechanisms to survive in changing environments. These mechanisms include physiological, behavioral, and psychological traits that allow organisms to adjust to new conditions. Humans, as a part of these organisms, inherit this adaptability, which contributes to their ability to pivot in tough situations.

The ability to pivot refers to the capacity to bounce back from adversity, challenges, or difficult circumstances, and what a better essential oil choice this month than the arborvitae. The majestic and strengthening properties of this tree are not only grounding, the tree often lives for over 800 years – Arborvitae means “Tree of Life”. The emotional properties of this essential oil mean Divine Grace. Engaging with this oil can help with relaxation, breathing deeply and trusting in the flow of life. Perhaps I should use this oil as I transition during this time of year.  

All and all though, it takes resilience to be able to pivot. While the arborvitae is resilient, humans have to implement strategies. One strategy is to remember and recognize the times where you have successfully pivoted in tough situations. When we remember success, we can then continue to promote resilience as a valuable skill that can be cultivated and strengthened over time.

Staying strong, holistically, is important too. I will admit though, the older I get, the harder it is to stay strong. Some days it feels like it takes twice the effort to do certain things and my resilience and ability to pivot is affected. I reflect at what is going on in my life; an overloaded schedule, not cultivating the earth, and not taking enough time to “stop and smell the roses.”

Whatever the reason, cultivating resilience, adopting a positive mindset, embracing adaptability, nurturing emotional well-being, and finding meaning and purpose can all contribute positively. Out of all the suggestions, I believe that finding meaning and purpose is at the top of the list for being able to continue to pivot. A purpose has to be in place so that you want to get out of bed in the morning, and a strong spirit can help with that.

I would be careless if I didn’t comment on the plant choice for the month: the bleeding heart. This resilient early spring-rising plant is full of resilience and strength. Its symbolism can help when we are being too sensitive or we emotionally react to the world around us. Its unique beauty can help draw upon our values and beliefs to navigate the challenges one may be facing.

All and all, focus on what matters most and align your actions with your values. You can then pivot towards a more meaningful and fulfilling life, even in the presence of adversity. A good take away is that nature can serve as a source of inspiration, wisdom, and resilience. I have often said, “nature doesn’t ask of anything from me, it is one place that I am able to let go of control.” And when you let go of control, nature will guide you to observe and learn, and to develop the adaptive skills necessary to navigate challenges and thrive in an ever-changing environment.

Written by Lisa Story, MSCP, LPC, CT
Hope Grows Founder & Clinical Director